It Was Just Supposed to be Coffee

"When we got back to Wal-Mart, I just wanted him to get the fuck out of my car. He sat in the passenger seat and asked me not to tell anyone. He finally got out. I wanted to teleport to another continent, but all I could do was back out of my parking spot and start driving." I worked at Wal-Mart as…

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Forgive Yourself for What You Needed to do to Survive

"I yelled. I screamed. I said awful things. I broke things. I slapped him across the face on two different occasions. I pushed him. I slammed doors. I teetered on the edge of despair and outrage every single day." I have thought long and hard about this particular post. It requires a level of vulnerability and honesty that is downright uncomfortable. In…

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The Gut-Wrenching Shame

"Maybe I needed to hear it wasn’t my fault as many times as he had told me it was my fault. Maybe I needed to hear it even more times than that, but after hearing it over and over again like a broken record, I started to believe it." Throughout my marriage and since my divorce, I have been plagued with at…

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Giving My Survivor Speech

"It was one of the most incredible experiences I have ever had in my life. We talked. We shared. We hugged. We entered into an unspoken sisterhood. They have forever changed my life." I can still vividly remember walking up to Bolton Refuge House's front doors feeling as though my stomach was in my throat. I had never shared my experiences with…

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Preparing My Survivor Speech

"In war terms, he was planning a sneak attack, where he would ambush my defenses a little at a time until there was nothing left." One of the most profound things I have ever done thus far in my life was getting up in front of a room full of strangers and sharing, in agonizing detail, what happened to me. It was…

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Health Kinesiology

"For the first time since I left the marriage, I was able to say these things out loud while feeling at peace. The harder the topic, the more vials she would tape on and the more relaxed I would feel." The first time I tried acupuncture was to address the recurring migraines I was experiencing. While acupuncture was an incredible, natural experience,…

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Therapy and Freedom

"I wanted him to feel powerless, scared and as though he may die at any moment and there was nothing he could do about it. I wanted to take away his power so he knew exactly how it felt." I started to see a licensed clinic social worker to address my nightmares specifically. Finding a therapist is a lot like buying a…

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The Nightmares

"We need to send a message to all victims and survivors: You matter and we believe you. You deserve to feel safe and loved." For me, the nightmares are one of the worst components of PTSD. When I am awake, while I still struggle, I have more control over myself. When dreaming however, I have no control. It doesn't matter how far…

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The Buoy

"He pushed me into the table before throwing me on the bed and climbing on top of me. His hands were around my neck as he yelled, “You bitch.” I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t pry his hands from my neck." The first time he put his hands on me was Labor Day weekend, 2012, just 5 months after we met. We…

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December 2014

"While I took due care increasing the thickness of the glass on my side of the tank, the sharks are still visible on the other side and I know they can strike at any time. Sure the caretaker can keep treating my wounds, but the wound is still there and eventually it becomes a scar." Sometimes I wonder if our marriage is…

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