Therapy and Freedom

"I wanted him to feel powerless, scared, and as though he may die at any moment and there was nothing he could do about it. I wanted to take away his power so he knew exactly how it felt." I started to see a licensed clinical social worker to address my nightmares specifically. Finding a therapist is a lot like buying a…

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The Nightmares

"We need to send a message to all victims and survivors: You matter and we believe you. You deserve to feel safe and loved." For me, nightmares are one of the worst components of PTSD. When I am awake, while I still struggle, I have more control over myself. When dreaming, however, I have no control. It doesn't matter how far I…

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The Buoy

"He pushed me into the table before throwing me on the bed and climbing on top of me. His hands were around my neck as he yelled, “You bitch.” I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t pry his hands from my neck." The first time he put his hands on me was Labor Day weekend, 2012, just 5 months after we met. We…

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December 2014

"While I took due care increasing the thickness of the glass on my side of the tank, the sharks are still visible on the other side and I know they can strike at any time. Sure the caretaker can keep treating my wounds, but the wound is still there and eventually, it becomes a scar." Sometimes I wonder if our marriage is…

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December 2013

"The cycle repeats and repeats. Never to be broken. My wings have been clipped, shredded, and discarded. My soul and my spirit when with them." My face has been wet with tears for months. I constantly try to understand how people can be so mean without remorse. It doesn't matter what someone said or did - is it really justifiable to make…

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Permission to Feel

"I felt relief. Relief. Relief that as I sat there, crying, make-up streaming down my flushed face, eyes swollen and red, snot running from my nose, I was me for the first time in a long time. Don’t get me wrong – I was a hot mess, but I was me." I think one of the most important things I have learned…

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In the Beginning

"The following weeks were a whirlwind. He texted or called me all of the time and was always asking when he could see me. He was open about the feelings he had for me – with me and his friends and family. I fell and I fell hard. I felt like I finally found the person I might spend the rest of…

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Imprisoned As He Walks Free

"He is the doer of the bruises, of the pain, of the parts of my life that will never be the same, yet somehow I am the one wading through the aftermath while he feels validated – as though he is the victim." There are still days I wonder why he gets to go on with life like nothing happened when my…

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The Physical Symptoms of My Mental Conditions

"And I am deeper in my hole and beginning to be buried by shame. It’s dark. It’s scary. It’s physically and mentally painful – and it’s an all too familiar home. I’ve visited it many times." It's a knot in my stomach so tight it feels like a medical emergency. It's nausea that rises to the top of my throat and stays…

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