Hearing From My Abuser

"You are telling one side of a very powerful and painful story for both of us. There are two sides to every story." It was a typical evening at home. I was checking my personal and business email while watching TV, when there it was - in black in white - taking up space in MY email. It was a message from…

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The Truth

I used to walk the streets at ease,Going where I wanted as I pleased.My plans were endless, without distress,I walked around just like the rest.I went to the movies with my friends,Never expecting my peace to end.You stole my security and my innocence,All because of your impotence.Never again will I be the same,Yet, for so many reasons, I am blamed.What did I…

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My Abuser’s Name is Travis G. Chartrand

If you go back and read my previous posts you will notice I have never provided my ex-husband's name. At first I chose to do this for a number of reasons. I was just starting my blog and putting my story out there. I felt and still feel at times, exposed and uncomfortable. Telling your story isn't an easy thing to do,…

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Early Morning Epiphanies

"I can be empathetic of his trauma while holding him accountable for the decisions he made. After all, he could have made different ones." The empathy I have for others is a blessing and a curse, or so I used to think. My empathy has always been what I have considered to be one of my greatest qualities. It allows me to…

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Forgive Yourself for What You Needed to do to Survive

"I yelled. I screamed. I said awful things. I broke things. I slapped him across the face on two different occasions. I pushed him. I slammed doors. I teetered on the edge of despair and outrage every single day." I have thought long and hard about this particular post. It requires a level of vulnerability and honesty that is downright uncomfortable. In…

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The Gut-Wrenching Shame

"Maybe I needed to hear it wasn’t my fault as many times as he had told me it was my fault. Maybe I needed to hear it even more times than that, but after hearing it over and over again like a broken record, I started to believe it." Throughout my marriage and since my divorce, I have been plagued with at…

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Giving My Survivor Speech

"It was one of the most incredible experiences I have ever had in my life. We talked. We shared. We hugged. We entered into an unspoken sisterhood. They have forever changed my life." I can still vividly remember walking up to Bolton Refuge House's front doors feeling as though my stomach was in my throat. I had never shared my experiences with…

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Preparing My Survivor Speech

"In war terms, he was planning a sneak attack, where he would ambush my defenses a little at a time until there was nothing left." One of the most profound things I have ever done thus far in my life was getting up in front of a room full of strangers and sharing, in agonizing detail, what happened to me. It was…

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Therapy and Freedom

"I wanted him to feel powerless, scared and as though he may die at any moment and there was nothing he could do about it. I wanted to take away his power so he knew exactly how it felt." I started to see a licensed clinic social worker to address my nightmares specifically. Finding a therapist is a lot like buying a…

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The Nightmares

"We need to send a message to all victims and survivors: You matter and we believe you. You deserve to feel safe and loved." For me, the nightmares are one of the worst components of PTSD. When I am awake, while I still struggle, I have more control over myself. When dreaming however, I have no control. It doesn't matter how far…

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