Forgive Yourself for What You Needed to do to Survive

"I yelled. I screamed. I said awful things. I broke things. I slapped him across the face on two different occasions. I pushed him. I slammed doors. I teetered on the edge of despair and outrage every single day." I have thought long and hard about this particular post. It requires a level of vulnerability and honesty that is downright uncomfortable. In…

0 Comments

The Gut-Wrenching Shame

"Maybe I needed to hear it wasn’t my fault as many times as he had told me it was my fault. Maybe I needed to hear it even more times than that, but after hearing it over and over again like a broken record, I started to believe it." Throughout my marriage and since my divorce, I have been plagued with at…

0 Comments

Giving My Survivor Speech

"It was one of the most incredible experiences I have ever had in my life. We talked. We shared. We hugged. We entered into an unspoken sisterhood. They have forever changed my life." I can still vividly remember walking up to Bolton Refuge House's front doors feeling as though my stomach was in my throat. I had never shared my experiences with…

0 Comments

Preparing My Survivor Speech

"In war terms, he was planning a sneak attack, where he would ambush my defenses a little at a time until there was nothing left." One of the most profound things I have ever done thus far in my life was getting up in front of a room full of strangers and sharing, in agonizing detail, what happened to me. It was…

0 Comments

Therapy and Freedom

"I wanted him to feel powerless, scared and as though he may die at any moment and there was nothing he could do about it. I wanted to take away his power so he knew exactly how it felt." I started to see a licensed clinic social worker to address my nightmares specifically. Finding a therapist is a lot like buying a…

0 Comments

The Nightmares

"We need to send a message to all victims and survivors: You matter and we believe you. You deserve to feel safe and loved." For me, the nightmares are one of the worst components of PTSD. When I am awake, while I still struggle, I have more control over myself. When dreaming however, I have no control. It doesn't matter how far…

0 Comments

Permission to Feel

"I felt relief. Relief. Relief that as I sat there, crying, make-up streaming down my flushed face, eyes swollen and red, snot running from my nose, I was me for the first time in a long time. Don’t get me wrong – I was a hot mess, but I was me." I think one of the most important things I have learned…

0 Comments

Imprisoned As He Walks Free

"He is the doer of the bruises, of the pain, of the parts of my life that will never be the same, yet somehow I am the one wading through the aftermath while he feels validated – as though he is the victim." There are still days I wonder why he gets to go on with life like nothing happened when my…

0 Comments

The Physical Symptoms of My Mental Conditions

"And I am deeper in my hole and beginning to be buried by shame. It’s dark. It’s scary. It’s physically and mentally painful – and it’s an all too familiar home. I’ve visited it many times." It's a knot in my stomach so tight it feels like a medical emergency. It's nausea that rises to the top of my throat and stays…

0 Comments