Throughout my marriage and since my divorce, I have been plagued with at times, unbearable shame. There was the typical shame that surfaces as a result of experiences like this: Why did I stay? I should have known better. How did I let this happen? What did I do to bring this on? When you realize you are in an abusive relationship,…
I can still vividly remember walking up to Bolton Refuge House's front doors feeling as though my stomach was in my throat. I had never shared my experiences with a room full of strangers before. I was feeling exposed and vulnerable. I had no idea what to expect. I read my speech to them as I would read it during the annual…
One of the most profound things I have ever done thus far in my life was getting up in front of a room full of strangers and sharing, in agonizing detail, what happened to me. It was terrifying. It was terrifying to say it out loud. It was terrifying because saying it out loud made it more real. It would no longer…
The first time I tried acupuncture was to address the recurring migraines I was experiencing. While acupuncture was an incredible, natural experience, what has changed my life the most by far is health kinesiology. My acupuncturist mentioned it to me during my intake. I opened up about my past and my struggles with paralyzing triggers. She suggested I try health kinesiology and…
I started to see a licensed clinical social worker to address my nightmares specifically. Finding a therapist is a lot like buying a car. You want to make sure they come with the options you need (specialize in your particular disorder/mental health challenge). It may take some time to find the right one for you. Just like when you test drive a…
For me, nightmares are one of the worst components of PTSD. When I am awake, while I still struggle, I have more control over myself. When dreaming, however, I have no control. It doesn't matter how far I have come in my waking life - the nightmares persist. I wake up with a racing heart, heavy breathing, and experiencing intense fear. Everything…
The first time he put his hands on me was Labor Day weekend, 2012, just 5 months after we met. We went to visit his dad and stepmom for the weekend. We sat around the bonfire while he and his dad drank – a lot. Later that night we went into the basement to go to bed. He went into the bathroom…
Sometimes I wonder if our marriage is going to work. I have somehow managed to hold on to who I am despite all of the toxicity. Darkness surrounded me. A darkness my husband attributes more to my mental health than to the environment I was exposed to. That is devastating. I walked in who I was: optimistic, compassionate, and full of life.…
My face has been wet with tears for months. I constantly try to understand how people can be so mean without remorse. It doesn't matter what someone said or did - is it really justifiable to make them cry? When did we become so ruthless? Instead of empathy, we retreat to our feelings of anger and hate. We find refuge here. Why?…
I think one of the most important things I have learned to do throughout this process is to give myself permission to feel whatever I am feeling. I am notorious for being flooded with emotions from my trauma and then feeling shameful for feeling those emotions in the first place. I am not sure when in society the expression or experience of…
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