The Journey

I have thought long and hard about this particular post. It requires a level of vulnerability and honesty that is downright uncomfortable. In my last post, I talked about the first layer of my shame and ended it with the ugliest layer of my shame: shame that in my marriage I became someone who was no better than he was. That sentence…

Throughout my marriage and since my divorce, I have been plagued with at times, unbearable shame. There was the typical shame that surfaces as a result of experiences like this: Why did I stay? I should have known better. How did I let this happen? What did I do to bring this on? When you realize you are in an abusive relationship,…

I can still vividly remember walking up to Bolton Refuge House's front doors feeling as though my stomach was in my throat. I had never shared my experiences with a room full of strangers before. I was feeling exposed and vulnerable. I had no idea what to expect. I read my speech to them as I would read it during the annual…

One of the most profound things I have ever done thus far in my life was getting up in front of a room full of strangers and sharing, in agonizing detail, what happened to me. It was terrifying. It was terrifying to say it out loud. It was terrifying because saying it out loud made it more real. It would no longer…

I started to see a licensed clinical social worker to address my nightmares specifically. Finding a therapist is a lot like buying a car. You want to make sure they come with the options you need (specialize in your particular disorder/mental health challenge). It may take some time to find the right one for you. Just like when you test drive a…

For me, nightmares are one of the worst components of PTSD. When I am awake, while I still struggle, I have more control over myself. When dreaming, however, I have no control. It doesn't matter how far I have come in my waking life - the nightmares persist. I wake up with a racing heart, heavy breathing, and experiencing intense fear. Everything…

I think one of the most important things I have learned to do throughout this process is to give myself permission to feel whatever I am feeling. I am notorious for being flooded with emotions from my trauma and then feeling shameful for feeling those emotions in the first place. I am not sure when in society the expression or experience of…

There are still days I wonder why he gets to go on with life like nothing happened when my life will never be the same. My life will always be filled with the trauma of his choices. The nightmares. The unidentified triggers. The tears. The knot in my stomach. The feelings of fear. I work through what I believe to be all…

It's a knot in my stomach so tight it feels like a medical emergency. It's nausea that rises to the top of my throat and stays there. It's migraine headaches that force me to stay in entirely silent, dark rooms until the pain subsides. Then there's the fatigue. Chronic, horrible fatigue. The fatigue you get when you have awful flu and then…